the year in tangents
The notes app has become somewhat of a diary for me. Here is a snippet of what this year looked like for me, taken directly out of that ‘diary’.
“God, why don’t I feel enough? Why can’t I see me as yours? Why can’t I be glad?
I feel like im failing you, Father.
I see me and I see flaws. I see me and I see “not good enough”. I see me and see “not worthy”. That’s your creation. I’m so mean. Why can you still love me? Why do you continue to pursue me? Why do I feel unsafe in myself when i know that you’re holding me?
God. Help my unbelief. Help my heart. I’m so sorry for the pain i cause you. I’m so sorry that I doubt you. Please, hug me. Hold my heart. Give me what is yours and take away the rest. That phrase scares me so much because I want to hold on to what I have. But if what I have is not from you, it is worthless. Let me life be full of your promise. Your worthiness. Your goodness. Your yes.”
- 8/6/25
“I’m thinking about the way my dad opened his father’s eulogy — with Bruce Springsteen lyrics.
“Well they built the Titanic to be one of a kind, but many ships have ruled the seas
They built the Eiffel Tower to stand alone, but they could build another if they please
Taj Mahal, the pyramids of Egypt, are unique I suppose
But when they built you, brother, they broke the mold”.
“My dad broke the mold”
Beautiful is a gross understatement.”
- sometime in september
“the highest measure of love is consideration”
- 10/5/25
“I won’t be the Desdemona to anyone’s Othello anymore”
“Fortune favors the gentle”
“I will love because it is who I am”
“I was looking for love until I realized that I smile at strangers, wave at babies, move bugs off the sidewalk so that they don’t get stepped on, and pray when an ambulance walks by. I am love”
“‘Starry, starry night’ from Vincent by Don McLean. Has there ever been something that feels quite how those words sound? I don’t think I’ve found it.”
“Lose Myself and Bless the Telephone by Labi Siffre make me feel understood”
“Do I want them sitting on my patio drinking tea with me for the rest of my life?”
“I want to be known for the way I love”
“there is nothing weak about staying enchanted”
“my God knows no coincidences”
- all at different points in october
“a little italian boy looked up at me and said ‘ciao’ as he smiled at me today in the elevator!”
“there is a baby seated across from me on the train — we are best friends now”
“seeing a baby smile might be one of the most magical things you could ever bear witness to”
“I made friends with a baby at mcdonalds”
“There’s a little girl sitting next to me on the plane, she has beads and braids in her hair and a pink outfit on with some pink headphones on that have a unicorn horn. She keeps looking at me and showing me her doll. I’m melting. I think kids just know I’m like safe? Idk but I’m happy about it. Update we are best friends now and she told me all about her family in Kenya and how she’s 4 and she played dolls with me”
- throughout the summer
“I will find my Razor Love and Silver and Gold”
- on neil young songs that shape my view of love, august
“I fear that I am in love with everyone I’ve ever loved, even if for a brief time.
Update: This is a reflection of the love inside me”
- sometime in november
“I wish not to pay any mind, not to care about how my every word is perceived. My dad always says “love comes when you’re not looking for it”. I wish not to want to not care so that love finds me. I just want not to care without an agenda. Just freedom of mind. I wish that I didn’t feel the need to come across as sophisticated or bubbly depending on the social setting. I contain multitudes. I take pride in my intellect, but let it be for me, let it be authentic and quiet”
- 3/23/25
“the lover sees beauty that isn’t there”
- early december
“In Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell sings “it’s love’s illusions I recall, I really don’t know love at all”
Recently that’s been resonating with me.
Thinking I’ve found it and suddenly it vanishes right as I get comfortable enough to let it in.
I resent the idea that because I’m young, I don’t know real love. I don’t think it’s something you only discover after years of training. My capacity for love is ever growing.
I know it. I’ve felt it. It was here.
I know it’s never wasted. I know love’s value doesn’t lie in reciprocity. But God, sometimes I wish I had never loved at all.
I want to love in action. I wonder if I’ll ever receive that kind of consideration from a man consistently. I give myself up for the one I love, granted it’s often to my own detriment.
Why does everything have to be two-sided?
Why can’t my ability to love so deeply just be a good thing? Why does it have to cause me pain? Why does that have to be the source of virtue?”
- 8/6/25
“I know a love like mine exists because I exist”
“I hope you can shed the parts of yourself that wrongly whisper unworthiness, parts that doubt your right to a love that is nurturing and hopeful… Most of all, I hope you discover the truth that you have the capacity to be that source of love for yourself”
“It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all, the opposite of love is indifference” Stubborn Love The Lumineers
“Quantify my love, I dare you” Jason Kelly
“Interior participation means going to church not for what you get out of it but what for you can give to God”
“The opposite of sucking it up is being honest” Nicole
“Will my heart ever have room for all of me?” Nicole
“You can’t spend your time trying not to get hurt” Rosa on Brooklyn 99
“If the train is meant for me, it won’t leave the station” Kacey Musgraves
“You can build the foundation of a house without knowing where the rooms will be” Dad
“Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb” Mary Oliver
“If I said you could never touch me, you’d come over and say I look lovely” Leith Ross
“Kiss me like we’ll never have sex”
“The devil can scrap but the Lord has won” Zach Bryan
- quotes and lyrics I collected during the month of april
“tonight i listened to “lover, you should’ve come over” at full volume in the car with the windows down and the wind in my hair. when the first verse starts, there’s something magical. the guitar just hits.
i thought about him but not in the way i used to. i thought about how this song used to apply to him. but now i’ve grown, i don’t want that inconsistency and carelessness anymore. i deserve someone who will give me incredible consideration and will be gentle with me.
I’ll probably look back on this in like a year or more or maybe less and think “wow so dramatic listening to that with the windows down” but yk what, i am going to do what brings me joy. it felt nice. it felt freeing”
- 1/13/25
